Grocery Store Etiquette

It seems to me that America as a whole is losing some common sense, manners, and overall acknowledgment of other people.  Many of the following suggestions are similar to the rules of the road; that is the rules you would follow while taking your driving test and not the ones you’ve since created during your years of driving.  Feel free to apply these while you’re behind the wheel too.  The others are just a reminder of what is and is not appropriate to do to or in front of others.  And so, as a service to  people everywhere, I bring to you

Grocery Store Etiquette:
Rules to Follow While Running Errands That Involve Shopping Carts

  1. Don’t crowd the ads. Wholesale stores are the worst, but grab the ad and roll forward.  If you decide you don’t need it, you can always back up and put it away.  There will be no wailing alarms or flashing lights for moving five feet from the ad carousel.
  2. Stay to the right.  Your cart does not belong in the middle of the aisle while you stand behind it reviewing your grocery list or scanning the shelves for your morning cereal.  Pull over please.
  3. Look before crossing.  Would you plow through a busy intersection during rush hour without looking first?  No? Then please don’t ram your cart into mine at the end of an aisle.
  4. Wait your turn.  No, it’s not appropriate to walk right up to the counter assuming you’re next in line at the seafood counter.  There’s three of us standing here and we don’t do it for the free viewing of the live lobster tank.
  5. You aren’t here to pick up chicks.  This one goes out to the deli employee who likes to spend his shift trying to impress the girl he works with.  You know who you are.  When I (your loyal customer) place an order and am the onlycustomer in the deli, I am the most important person in your life.  Cut the chit chat.  Stop turning your back to me.  And when the cute girl (who FYI is way out of your league) comes up and asks if you’re using the machine, the answer is, “Yes.” If I ever hear you say, “Go ahead, I’m in no rush,” in front of me again, there will be h*** to pay.  You may not be in a rush, but the nineteen pound baby strapped to my body isn’t getting any lighter and my toddler is a ticking time bomb of antsy pants.
  6. Keep your germies to yourself. If you are sick, sanitize before working your way through produce. Carry a tissue for your sneezing and coughing, and for the love of all that is good in this world, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY KIDS.  Which brings me to…
  7. Keep your hands off my kids. When did it become okay to walk up to some strangers babies and touch them?! It’s not.  So back the H off.
  8. Reduce Reuse Recycle. I’m sorry, but in this day and age how can you not own cloth bags?
  9. Put your cart away. There is no legitimate excuse for leaving your cart sitting against my car.  Or in the middle of the last remaining parking spot in the lot.  That’s right, I had to put the E brake on, get out of my car and move three (THREE!) carts out of a spot today just so I could park.
  10. Look before crossing (again). This one goes out to all you pedestrians out there.  Yes, cars should wait for you.  But if there’s a car already moving, don’t step out in front of it and then act surprise when we throw up our hands in anger at you.

Let’s study up, people.  I’ll be back next Friday and I’m expecting results.

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